The ugly side of beauty

As you read in my last post, I was severely bullied growing up. To the point of wanting nothing more than to just die and be done with all the pain…..it has taken me almost my entire life to get over so many of the scars left from those experiences and to heal….. (this next part is what everyone has been asking me to finally get around posting but I wanted to wait upon the Lord to give me the go ahead on posting it and to give me the right words…I won’t use anyone’s name to respect privacy, but I also will NOT be silent about the matter that lies ahead….)

Flash forward to last weekend. The Mrs. Michigan America Pageant….Not only had I been preparing for pretty much a year for this weekend, I was so looking forward to it. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful, I felt confident, I felt like I had purpose. I felt amazing as we were leaving our house to drive there on Friday.

Of course I wanted to win. No one enter’s these things with no desire to win. However, once all the girls started arriving, God started to change that desire. I immediately picked the winner as we started our rehearsals on friday. She was experienced, she was fit, she knew what she was doing on stage…she truly was the complete package…and of course she did win and I am so happy for her because she was a contestant who I think really deserved it…..

As we rehearsed on friday, the Lord was speaking to my heart. My desires changed to just wanting to be a light, to encourage everyone, to make friends. And to at least place in top 5, but I honestly had no desire to actually win the crown….

That’s when it began…

Why she picked me out of all the other contestants I will never know…perhaps because I was the youngest one there? But honestly my family has tried to guess and we have no idea other than it was all part of what God would teach me and grow inside me that weekend…

One of the contestants literally from the beginning of our first rehearsal started bullying me….at first it was every now and then…when I would ask a question to the choreographer she would shhsh me loud enough everyone could hear, then it became more constant. EVERY time I asked a question she would tell me to be quiet. At one point on friday she made a comment to another contestant about my lack of maturity because I was so young, and that I needed to stop asking questions or her mean motherly side would come out….

Ok PAUSE—news flash…..I am a mother myself….so treating me like a child makes no sense….the difference….I have been blessed by God with his grace and mercy in my life and I choose to carry myself in a different manner.

Ok PLAY—-

Though I was the only one she consistently bullied, and made comments about, she was quite rude to others as well. Now granted, if any other contestants asked questions, or laughed or joked with each other she didn’t dare make a comment…..literally it was ONLY me…..

I have to stop here and say, though I made many amazing friends that weekend one girl in particular literally took my hand the entire weekend and it brings me to tears as I think how God ordained for her to be there. She kept me sane and calm a lot of the times and to her I will forever be grateful…..she knows who she is……

So Friday night we have a husband and wife dinner at the hotel…it was super fun. We enjoyed everyone at our table. We laughed, we ate good food. It was a good time. Before heading up to our room I wanted to go around the room and hug each girl, and wish her good luck along with reminding her we all have already made it this far and are already winners no matter what! –It’s just me…I am an encourager…Well as I approached “my bully” she kept her hands by her side, shrugged my hug off, and said “yeah”….So I just gracefully rolled my eyes (is that possible?) and continue on to the other contestants…..

That night my husband and I discussed everything and he just encouraged me to keep my calm with her and not let her get in my head….easier said than done when you’ve been bullied for pretty much your entire life…..i thought to myself “Ok maybe she just had first day nerves and tomorrow will be better” as I drifted off to sleep.

As my alarm went off the next morning I jumped out of bed, raced to the nearest amount of light I could find, and dove into my devotions and quiet time…as soon as my husband and son awoke you better believe that worship music was blaring and I was in the zone….

As I applied my finishing touches to my hair and make up and got ready to leave for the entire day to be at rehearsals, interview, lunch, the actual pageant…..I was ready. I was pumped. I literally had this light that was radiating from inside me. I felt so beautiful and confident…not in a prideful way, but like a bride awaiting to see her groom. In fact I didn’t even feel this pretty on my wedding day. I was so excited for this day and all God had in store for me, win or lose…..

Well shockingly to me, as soon as we arrived and started rehearsals, don’t you know she was right back at it again…this time even worse and more forceful…..

People kept saying to me, “just let it roll off you, don’t let her get in your head….” Which don’t get me wrong I appreciated all the encouragement….but there was so much more to it than that…..this was my day…the day I had dreamed of all my life. The day when I mentally looked all my bullies and those voices in my head in the eyes and said “You are wrong. I am beautiful and I can do this.”……yet she was stealing that day from me……and at the same time, I didn’t need to be encouraged…..I needed someone who didn’t care about “getting involved” to step up and tell this woman enough was enough.

This is why I am so passionate about my platform “Speak Up-Not Down.” People who are bullied need heroes….in my interview I was asked what generations before ours had that I thought we needed…my response, “that is so simple. Morals”……and I was serious. Generations before us had heroes not afraid to stand up for people being bullied no matter the age…..where was my hero that weekend? Lord, knows my husband had he have been present all day would have handled it but he wasn’t. I kept praying to God for strength but I could feel myself weakening. My spirit was being oppressed and I knew I was coming close to losing it…..

Finally it happened. In the middle of rehearsing I lost it. I starting bawling my eyes out, and shaking uncontrollably, after I asked the choreographer a question and “she” whispered ever to loudly to the girl next to her “why won’t she stop asking questions” and then proceeded to shhhsh me…..I walked right off the stage.

At that moment, I was that 13-year-old girl again. Coming home from school, shutting herself in her room, crying herself to sleep….

I found the director and shared a little of what was going on…but nothing was ever done….at least not like it should have been, but I am not God….if I was, that lady would have been asked to leave the premises and not been allowed to compete that day! No questions asked….this was not the behavior someone trying to represent our state and the pageant company’s name should act! And no one, at any age should have to endure what I did……

After 5 mins of trying to breathe and calming down, I gathered myself together and walked back out on stage…not even 10 mins later it began again….”you have got to be kidding me” is all I could think. Again I reflect back to that girl the Lord put in my life who SO many times physically took my hand and said “breathe” and walked with me off stage to our next place….she really was as close to my hero as it came that weekend….

So we were practicing a number, and part of our introduction was to share something interesting about the area we represented. Well there were like 4 of us who were from the same area her included. So I politely asked her if she knew yet what she was going to say because I wanted to make sure we didn’t say the same thing. She rudely responded “Just worry about yourself and not me. I’m pretty sure we wont say the same thing. I like to keep my things to myself…” –oddly enough this is the same person who tried to friend request me on Facebook WEEKS before the pageant not even knowing me–I said “oh ok I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t the same but i’m sure you’re right” and turned back around, and so she quickly snapped what it was she was going to say…and i said “oh cool that goes with your platform so it definitely won’t be the same as mine.”

I couldn’t believe she was so rude over a simple question…..I just legitimately wanted to make sure we didn’t get up there for opening number and say the same thing….Again I had to fight back tears and suck it up….

Well we left for lunch shortly after, which was wonderful and so delicious. Then on the way back, she starts talking to the “older” contestants about after the pageant was over going to some bar/club with their sashes and pageant gowns to get drunk and dance the night away all while using curse words…..I was blown away….this is how you plan to represent Mrs. Michigan? Funny enough I even unknowingly caught part of it on video while video taping the limo just as she was informing everyone else that of course anyone else could join too!

This was the point my heart began to honestly break for her. Who in the world was this person….a mother, a wife, and a contestant who acted this way? I just prayed God gave me strength to get through the day….

After lunch we had interviews. I totally felt I rocked mine out. I was comfortable and confident and I called my parents after so happy to just be done with that hard part and ready to enjoy the rest of the night….

Instead as we began our final rehearsals she continued to bully me and shhhsh me. So i did what I was told to by the director and politely looked at her and said “Would you please stop telling me to be quiet every time I ask a question.” She laughed and said “Well would you stop talking and asking questions so we can hear what we are supposed to do?”…….I was flabbergasted…..I decided the rest of rehearsals to try my best to ignore her and just make it through the rest of the night. I couldn’t wait to see my family, to rock out on stage, and just enjoy myself, even though she was already ruining the entire experience for me….

Pageant begins….and not being prideful, I totally felt I rocked my opening number, my onstage question. I felt confident in my swimsuit, and I felt stunning in my evening gown. It was amazing…..then it happened…literally 5 mins before we were about to go on stage to announce the top 5 she started up again….

Like i said earlier…at this point I didn’t want to win. I just wanted to place, and I had other girls who I thought totally deserved to place….I wanted to have fun and enjoy the end of everything….well as I was asking the stage director right before we took our places if we needed to head out, bc the other girls on the other side were, “she” made a smart comment and told me to just be quiet and let people do their jobs. I lost it…I turned around and told her “You know what, we don’t need your comments or your help” and she of course said “well no one here needs your help either.” I was trembling…I literally wanted to tell this woman off for all to hear…part of me wanted to LITERALLY rip her head off….but my friend once again grabbed me by the hand, and walked with me to our next place and told me to breathe and let it go….

Here’s the thing…..telling someone who has been bullied their entire life, and then came this far to do a pageant like this, to let this kind of experience go….isn’t quite so easy. I was fighting back the tears so hard…..

We got on stage and they began to announce top 5….some of who I predicted, some not…and then it happened….they announced HER name….when all top 5 had been announced and I realized not only was I not in it, neither were some of the girls who deserved it, over me but especially over her, I literally bit my lip so hard I started bleeding. I was trying to fight back the tears…my husband and family said they could see it all from their seats. I was defeated….as the remainder of us said our “goodbyes” and left the stage I ran to the corner and sat down sobbing. Everyone kept saying “its ok, this doesn’t define you, its ok, its ok”……but it wasn’t about the crown to me….i was so crushed that my bully was in top 5 and women even more deserving than me were not I was broken….I couldn’t get the words out I was crying so hard. We were supposed to go back out for them to hand out rewards and I begged them to not make me. I was DONE. I wanted to get out of my gown, find my husband, and run into his arms…..

They made me go back out, and I cried the entire time. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. And when all was said in done, I congratulated the winner bc I was super proud of her….took the pictures required…mascara stains and all, and ran to the dressing room….someone came to find me and said my husband was waiting outside, and I mean I literally old fashion movie style, sprinted to him, and fell into his arms sobbing….

The entire experience I was so looking forward to was ruined…..I was defeated, I felt like a failure to everyone, I was so heartbroken. I just wanted to go back to the hotel and get out of that toxic environment immediately.

We left, I cried all night, and couldn’t wait to drive home the next morning….well as my husband went downstairs at the hotel to get breakfast “she” was in there with other contestants just chatting….but as soon as she saw him she loudly started bragging about how the oldest women in the pageant placed in top 5 and beat out all those young girls…when my husband came upstairs and told me it took all I had within me to not go downstairs and finally give her a piece of my mind….but I didn’t. I wanted to remain a woman of grace and beauty and leave the hotel at peace that I had not contradicted my testimony….

I forgive her.

I am getting back to normalcy again.

I am moving on with my life.

But I will NOT be silent….

Why did God have me go through all of that? For my platform. To show people of all ages that bullies are everywhere and every age! It never stops! And what this world needs are people willing to take stand and stand up to those bullies and for the victims when they can’t stand up for themselves.

I also feel God grew me in grace and patience and taught me to lean on him more than ever. And I still grew in my confidence and self-image and was able to let go of so many insecurities…..

It was a growing and learning experience for sure. I did have some good memories. I had fun at times. I made some amazing friends….but I won’t be silent about the hardship I endured. No one should ever go through what I did…..and why it was only me? I’ll never know…

I did my best. I learned a lot…and now I wait for the doors God opens ahead…I will continue to “Speak Up-Not Down” for those bullied every day and won’t stop till the day I die!!! And most importantly I will pray for this woman daily….

“Love keeps no records of wrongs….”

Blessings!

Bullying Part One

She looked at herself in the mirror.

Mascara ran down her tear stained face.

The voices in her head shouting loudly above the noise of the world.

You’re ugly. You are worthless. You are alone. No one loves you. You will never amount to anything…

The enemy whispered his lies in her ear, “Kill yourself, no one will even miss you.”

She held the bottle of pills in her trembling hand. It couldn’t be that hard. All she had to do was swallow them, then lay down and fall asleep. All the pain and heartache would be done with. No one would even miss her…

She was tormented at school to the point of dropping out and getting her GED. She developed social anxiety because she felt like she never fit in. She looked for acceptance in all the wrong places but never found any.

At home, she was never praised. She was barely noticed unless it was to tell her she was a liar and was a spoiled brat who always needed attention. She was surrounded by alcohol, and family problems. There were always constant arguments going on. She just needed a place to run and hide alone, to silence all the noise.

Why couldn’t they see inside her heart? Why didn’t they hear the voices in her head? Why couldn’t they understand her pain? Why didn’t they believe her? Why didn’t anyone love her?

She never knew there was a man who did love her. A man who was enthralled with her beauty from before time began. A man who loved her so much he sent his only child to give his own life for her. A man who thought so much of her he planned her life out even before she was in her mother’s womb…

No one knew the dark places of her heart. No one knew the pain and hurt she felt and hid inside her broken self. No one, except the enemy. Surrounding her daily, he was waiting like a lion waits for the perfect moment to pounce on its prey and devour it….

She took those pills. And the door swung open. Her brother yelled “what are you doing?”

She screamed through her tears, “Leave me alone, just let me die.”

She spent that entire evening being forced to make herself throw all the pills up and be woke up every hour to make sure she was still alive.

The next morning she wasn’t met with love but instead anger, and more word curses and labels. Sent to see Dr’s and put on medicines….when all she was searching for was LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, HOPE….

It would be years later before she would ever find that love, acceptance, and hope. Only after more trials she brought upon herself. Only after becoming pregnant at the age of 20 and homeless. Only when she was brought to her knees face to face with God crying out “I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go.”

That moment forever changed her life. She made a choice to keep her child, to change her ways, her life, and make a new life. She found love from a father who no person could ever imitate.

She realized she had a purpose, a destiny, a reason to live and live boldly. She realized that suicide was a permanent solution to all her temporary problems.

She had been the victim of one of the largest epidemics around…bullying.

But no one had ever showed her how to cope, or told her there was a way to overcome it all….

If only…

Yet today she lives and breathes. Married, a mother to two beautiful children, a follower and worshiper of the most high King, more in love with life and God than she ever dreamed and growing more and more each day…

How do I know?

I am that girl….

Mrs. Michigan America journey

Wow,

so yes it has been QUITE awhile since I have posted. I am so sorry to my followers! I am actually getting ready to compete next week for the title of Mrs. Michigan America. If I win, I go in August to compete for the title of Mrs. America. This journey has been so crazy but fun but also had many ups and downs! Through it all friends and family have supported me and loved me and encouraged me but most of all important, God has held my hand the entire way and guided each step! The pageant is March 29th! So please feel free to be praying for me that entire day!! My platform which I truly have a passion and desire for is anti-bullying. I really believe the Lord has called me to make a difference in my state and even nation towards the epidemic bullying has become! I want to teach people that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem…that there are so many other and better ways to deal with the problems of anxiety. At the same time I want to make people aware of why certain people bully others….it isn’t just children anymore, adults go through this as well! I have my own personal experiences with it which is why it is so near and dear to my heart!!

No one enters a pageant wanting to lose. Of course I would LOVE to win. But ultimate I want two things– 1. THE LORD’S will to be done above all else! I cling to a verse in one of my favorite worship songs “It would be my joy to say, your will, your way, always–I lay me down, Im not my own. I belong to you alone. Lay me down, Lay me down!”  2. That I can just be a shining light and testimony to EVERYONE I come in contact with next weekend. I want to be a joy, a radiant light, and just encourage everyone…..win or lose I will still be praising God and I will leave the experience knowing there was and is a reason for everything…this journey may just be the beginning of a much bigger one, but only God knows!!!! I promise to update everyone after next weekend!!!

With my platform I have also developed my own copyrighted logo and design as I am also working on a program to use when I travel and speak on the topic of bullying. View it below!!!! Make a choice today…. “Speak Up-Not Down”

Blessings!!!!

White As Snow

I call myself different or weird. My husband says I am special and unique. My papa God says I am beloved and adored….

I have a very unique relationship with God. I see imagery in everything. His own little ways of smiling down at me and winking; reminding me He is always there and always all around me. For instance lyrics in a song may be just lyrics in a song to some but its so much more to me….I feel like the words actually dance around me and show me a picture….

“What can wash me white as snow, nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

This is our second winter here in Michigan. However, this is by far the worst winter I have ever witnessed in 25 years of my life. So much snow!!! Seriously I think I have had enough snow for the rest of my life!! It was the other day however, as I looked outside at the mounds of snow everywhere, the snow falling from the sky, the wind blowing drifts across the neighborhood…..I was reminded that one single drop of blood made me white as snow…..

I’m not perfect. Never claim to be nor will. I have sinned A LOT in my life. Drugs, Sex, Alcohol, Addictions, Lies, getting pregnant before marriage…you name it, and I’ve probably been down that road. Every single time I turned my back on Him and ran far away, He never left me. Whether He chased passionately after me, or patiently waited with His arms open wide for me to run back and fall into them…..He never left me…..

I think deeper into my sin. What it truly took to have it all erased. Eradicated from this earth once and for all…..one single drop of blood. Jesus’s Blood!!! Yet still go deeper. All he endured. All he suffered. He never gave up. All he had to do was speak the word “stop” or “enough” and it could have all ceased. But he didn’t. He went on with his father’s will. Until that very last breath, that very last drop of single blood….

This morning as I spend time in my prayer time and quiet time, I am literally brought face down thinking about the fact there actually is nothing in this world that can remove my past, all my sins, all my failures, making me white as snow, making me innocent again like a child….nothing but the blood of Jesus. And so today….for that drop of blood…and yes I know he poured out more than one single drop….I find hope and peace in knowing I am washed clean in his blood. That his blood pours over my body, spirit, soul….and I am humbled that I see myself as so inadequate at times, yet Jesus thought I was worth dying for and my papa God looks down and says I am beautiful and sees no stain on me.

Let those words sink in for a minute…..”You are beautiful to me, my child, and I see no stain on you.”

WoW…..

“What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Blessings!

Say Cheese

“Cadia say cheese.” “Cheeeeeeeeeeeese.” This has become a comedy with our family. My one year old daughter is so use to having people take her picture that anytime you pull out your phone, even for something not related to pictures, she stops what she is doing and smiles and says “Cheese.” Its probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen. The other day I was having a rough day. As moms we all have them. Nothing seemed to be going right and my self esteem was running low. My energy level was majorly running on empty. I was in my office, working on our taxes, when my daughter came riding in on her older brothers police scooter. I turned and smiled at her, thinking to my self how lucky children are. They have no worries in the world. They are so innocent and so precious. As I returned to my work, my daughter yelled. “Mommy.” I turned and said “Cadia.” She giggled. I turned back to my computer, and she again yelled “Mommy.” So I turned to her, and this time she stopped, posed, smiled as big as she could and said “Mommy, cheeeeeeeeeeeese.” As a huge smile lit up my entire face, she giggled and peddled her way back into their play room. I was suddenly reminded of a verse in Proverbs. “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22 (NIV) Wow – did this ever relate to me. On this day in particular I was so encompassed with a “crushed spirit.” I was overwhelmed with our finances, our taxes, household work. The list just goes on. I literally could feel my “bones drying up.” The whole day was just full of negativity and I was in a “funk.” Although throughout the day I had prayed for God to help me get out of it, I wasn’t making it easy on him. So what did he do? He used my innocent precious daughter to smack me in the face. Her heart is SO cheerful. She is full of love, and laughter. Yes she has her normal toddler moments but nine times out of ten she is the sweetest little girl. Did she know mommy was having a bad day? Not at all. She was being her normal goofy self. But it was through that “cheerful heart” and her coming in to make me laugh and brighten my day, that my “dry bone” received just the exact medicine I needed and had been asking for all day. Now every time we have a “say cheese” moment with her we can’t help but be blessed and smile. When your day seems to be going bad, or nothing is going right, look to your children. If you don’t have any yet, look to your family members or friends around you. FIND someone with a cheerful heart and spend even just minutes with them. Before you get to where my spirit was that day, and play the “woe is me” role, stop and allow a dose of “cheerful heart” so brighten your day and spirit. Never take those moments for granted. In fact, now I personally look for those moments each day. I receive them as a special gift from my  heavenly daddy reminding me of what his word says. We ALL need daily doses of biblical medicine. And its amazing when we don’t know ourselves which one to choose or the amount to take, and he steps in and provides the perfect prescription. For me, it usually through scripture and later with en event at pertains to that scripture. Thats just how our relationship works. It may be different for others. Nonetheless, I am now thankful for my “say cheese” moments daily and strive to keep a cheerful heart around me if not in myself daily. And if you’re a parent, keep your phone or camera handy and ready to take a physical snap shot of those “say cheese” moments when you can. Its an amazing blessing to be able to look back on when you need a special dose of that medicine! Blessings all!!!

(the picture posted is of my two children, on one of those “say cheese” moments. Cadia jumped on the back of her brothers scooter with him while I was reading and said “mommy cheeeeeeeese” I looked up and luckily snapped the photo at the right time!)  **for a look into my daily life of “say cheese” moments feel free to follow me on instagram 🙂 my sn is: megraines