“Choosing Life”
With this past Sunday being “Sanctity of Life” day, and today the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, I thought I’d share some more of my thoughts and story! (please note–all blog postings are bits and pieces pulled from my book. Stayed tuned for the release of my book for the “full” story) Recently I was asked to think upon the question–“Is an unwanted pregnancy a mistake or a gift?” And in doing so I will share my thoughts as well as parts of my story. (note–these are from a scriptural view point and not secular, so it may vary from your own beliefs. This is simply based of my own beliefs) –my answer…neither because that term does not exist in my opinion.
Let me start with the basics. Satan is NOT the creator of Life. Period. End of Story. Scripturally proven, only God and God alone, is the creator of Life. And to him, ALL life is precious. Many then say well what about the sin these babies are created in–rape, molestation, sex crimes, one night stands…the list goes on. To that I say, as “believers” we are to love the sinner and not the sin. Therefore I believe in, not condoning the sin, but not condemning the “outcome” or person involved either. There are plenty of arguments about the sin a baby can be created in and that is for a later time. Trust me when I saw Ive been in MANY predicaments that could have ended in pregnancy. (more on that in the book) Yes, the mother may have some major issues to work through based upon how the child was created, but that doesn’t negate the fact that God almighty allowed for that child or children to be created in that moment in time for a reason. (ie– read Psalms 139 in its entirety)
My point is, the terms “unwanted” or “mistake” pregnancy do not exist in God’s vocabulary. Only in mankind’s. Is it possible some feel it’s an “inconvenience” on our time frame? Possibly, but God also has a reason for that! Everything is part of his grand time scheme. I DO believe everything happens for a reason and at a specific time. But, all in accordance with God’s perfect time and will. How am I able to say this you may be asking? Let me explain…
They say the first 24 hours of a woman finding out she is pregnant make the biggest impact on her choice to choose life or “death”…if that is truly the case, let me squash that excuse by saying YOU still have a choice and CAN do this whether you have tons of help or are all alone!!
I was 20 years old. It was end of February beginning of March 2010. My life was going amazing! I thought at the time I was dating my “dream” guy. We were involved in church, our dating relationship was wonderful, not to mention I crushed on this guy through most of high school. It was as though my dreams were coming true. I had begun feeling “sick.” The flu was going around like crazy with people at work so I just assumed I had gotten that. But on top of feeling sick I was extremely tired. I felt like there were never enough “sleep” hours in the day. Then it happened. One day a friend (and yes this really happened) came to me. She had a bag from Walmart with her. She told me to sit down and I did. She began to tell me about a reoccurring dream she had been having about me for the past few weeks and she KNEW the Lord wanted her to share it with me. She said “Megan, you’re pregnant.” I literally laughed out loud. Laughing so hard, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. After I returned to the couch, she said “Megan, I am serious. The Lord has been given me the same dream about you and you are pregnant.” I began thinking she was crazy. This wasn’t even possible. Then she gently reminded me of how it WAS possible. Two months prior- during the last week of January, I had slept with a friend one time. Literally, we spent one night together, and hadn’t spoken since. I knew he was supposedly currently engaged or in a relationship of some sort and I was in one as well so we never felt the need to keep in touch after. After all it had only been a “one night fling” between two friends. Both of us were in bad places after bad break ups and hang ups in life and it just “happened”. We were both in better places now, or so I thought.– She proceeded to remind me of that night (as I had confided and prayed with her about it the morning after it had happened, because I knew it had been a mistake and a major sin) And she began to hand me the bag. It was a few pregnancy tests. My hand shook as I took it from her. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up again. I walked into the bathroom and proceeded to take the first one. Two mininutes passed, I checked it. There was my proof. Pregnant. NO way I thought to myself. I threw it in the trash and ripped open another one. I took it and this one became clear within 30 seconds, PREGNANT. Again I threw it in the trash as tears streamed down my face and I began trembling. This continued for another hour. Between taking a total of 6-8 tests and throwing up in between from all the emotions, my friend walked in to find me sobbing on the bathroom floor. How could this happen to me. WHY was this happening to me. I was in complete shock. I knew what I had to do and I knew the list of people I needed to speak to immediately. Emotions were rolling but I can honestly say, I never for one second, stopped believing in or trusting God. Nor did the though of abortion ever cross my mind. I was not raised that way. I was raised to A-accept responsibility for my choices and that “all choices have consequences rather good or bad. So make good choices.” So cliche I thought at the time. Not so much now. B-Abortion was murder. end of story. It was never and would never be an option for me. (for anyone reading who has HAD one, i am not calling you by any means a murderer! I do not judge you for your choices. This is simply how I felt about it in my own situation and life) C- I had a wonderful family. Yes we had our major ups and downs as a family, (no family is perfect) and as you’ll read in other posts we were FAR from close to perfect. But my family was not judgmental. They would be the first people to accept this news and help me through it. —So i gathered my thoughts, made myself somewhat decent…girl’s who have been here know what that means! I threw on my velour jump suit, threw my hair in a messy bun, and prepared myself to head to my parents house to have the “talk.”
I arrived at my parent’s home and my mom was the only one there. My dad was at work. So I told her I needed to talk to her. She asked me if I had been crying and I said yes. So we sat down in the living room. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live. My hands were shaking, sweating, and I could feel throw up rising out of my stomach. I slowly began to say the words….”Mom, I am pregnant.” She actually looked at me in disbelief, laughed and said ‘thats not funny Megan. No you’re not.” I began to tremble and cry. “Mom yes I am. I took a few tests and all are positive.” She got quiet, what felt like hours but only second passed, and finally she said “they can be wrong. It’s not true. You’re not pregnant, Megan.”…this was the beginning to one of the worst days of my life. My parents like so many other parents do for their own children, had many dreams and aspirations for me. They supported me in my own dreams. I knew I wanted to marry a youth pastor, work with youth the rest of my life, be involved in music as well, and become a writer. I had already before this point had a “rough life” and had a story to share with young girls. But I also knew I was very much called to be a wife and a mother. Journal entries from the time I was a little girl proved so.
Back to reality–I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had officially broke my mother and soon my father’s heart. I had shattered every dream they’d ever had for me at the time. I remember her asking me how, and I simply said “you know how babies are made.” She looked at me and I remember the anger fueling from her eyes as she said “So you’ve been lying to us this whole time? You haven’t been in church? You’ve really been sleeping around with everyone and acting like a whore?” She kept yelling things at me as I sat and sobbed my eyes out. I don’t even remember half of what she yelled because I toned it all out. I was shocked. How could she say these things? I remember before it was all said in done, she told me to get out of her house. I told her I was going to the pregnancy center to have a test done there and asked did she want to come along. She screamed “no because you’re NOT pregnant.” Followed by “and don’t you DARE tell your father about this.” Problem was that was exactly what I intended to do. My daddy was my best friend. I told him everything. He was the one who every night sat beside my bed praying for my future husband with me. Listening to me cry and share details of my life I hated or wanted to be different. He was my rock next to God. I KNEW he would understand and know what to do. I showed up at his work, and of course my mother had “called ahead.” He immediately met me at his office door and said “i don’t have time to talk to you.” I fell into his chair sobbing. “Daddy I am pregnant. I am so sorry and I don’t know what to do.” I will never forget his response. He said “This is not God’s will for your life Megan. I am going to pray you miscarry because this baby is not part of God’s plan.” I literally felt like someone ripped my heart from my chest. I remember crying for a few more minutes before being told to leave. And I did. The last thing I had ever expected was this reaction from my parents. (Please note– my parents were HEART BROKEN. They said A LOT of things they didn’t mean out of hurt and anger. Just as I did so many times as a kid and teen to them. I do not make excuses for them but I also know God broke those walls down and restored relationships not just with me but later with my son as well–stay tuned for that story in a later post. I will however defend that those statements don’t make them who they are today. It was a “in the heat of the moment.” I love them very much to this day and have no ill will towards them or hurt feelings towards those days. Because I am now able to look back at it and see the reasons for EVERYTHING.) I drove to my house and called a friend who went with me that day to the pregnancy center and got my test done. Sure enough it was positive. The proof I needed before next telling the two “guys” in my life. My boyfriend at the time, more than accepted it. He knew the circumstances and he said we would get through it. The “father” however, not so much. He laughed and said “well what do you want me to do about it. I am happy and in a relationship. I need time to think. But I think the best option for everyone would be for you to have an abortion.” I still feel sick to this day when I think about those words. I remember crying as I responded “Then think, but don’t EVER mention that word to me again, because it is NOT an option.” …..ladies–and gentlemen- this ALL transpired in LESS than 24 hours. The FIRST 24 hours of me finding out I was pregnant. And the next few months did NOT get easier. They got WAY worse, to where it was literally only me, God, and my unborn child. I had no one…..but I still choose life. I knew that no matter what situation I faced, God had allowed this pregnancy no matter what anyone said or believed. I knew there was a reason for my unborn baby. (later I found out was a boy who I named Elijah) And yes I endured the worst 7 months of my life to ultimately make the choice to choose life. But id do it all over again knowing and seeing what I know and see now every time I look at my beautiful blue eyed boy and see his smile and hear his laugh. God took us down a long road of hurts and hearings to redemption and restoration to get where we are today. I am scared to think where I would be today if I had honestly even considered abortion, yet alone went through with it. My son was NEVER an “unwanted” or a “mistake” pregnancy. From day one, he was mine, and I loved him. From day one he was WANTED and a GIFT from God.
So yes, Ladies, I have been in your shoes. I didn’t have the perfect fairy tale story. I had NO help. I did 95 % of everything on my own. (5% I have to thank was government help for insurance and food assistance and housing and my local crisis pregnancy center–look in your own local areas as these may be available to help you as well) But none the less, I followed God’s plan and desire for my life and I never strayed. And I never once felt “inconvenienced” by my pregnancy. At the time I never thought i’d get to the end of the tunnel to find the light, but I knew if I kept pressing on I WOULD get there and it would be well worth the journey. And so it was!! Im not telling you, choosing life will be an easy journey. It most likely wont. There will be trying times, and times you’ll want to just give up. But trust me when I say, when you hold that beautiful baby in your arms, and you hear that first cry…EVERYTHING becomes worth it and you’d do it all again.
If you are in a current “crisis pregnancy” or know someone who is, who need encouragement or just someone to talk and listen, go to the contact page on my blog and feel free to get in touch with me! That is what I am here for! Remember, you are NEVER alone. God is ALWAYS with you and NEVER leaves or forsakes you. And whether you believe it or not there is ALWAYS someone else out there going through the same or even sometimes worse situation than you! Just reach out! And most importantly…don’t give up. Choose Life.
(note–if you or someone you know are struggling with having a past abortion, there is hope for you! You can get “help” and work through these feelings. God can bring healing and restoration. Please feel free to contact me about that as well and I will gladly get you in touch with someone who can help!!) And as always, Blessings All!!!!!
Megan.Raines 