As you read in my last post, I was severely bullied growing up. To the point of wanting nothing more than to just die and be done with all the pain…..it has taken me almost my entire life to get over so many of the scars left from those experiences and to heal….. (this next part is what everyone has been asking me to finally get around posting but I wanted to wait upon the Lord to give me the go ahead on posting it and to give me the right words…I won’t use anyone’s name to respect privacy, but I also will NOT be silent about the matter that lies ahead….)
Flash forward to last weekend. The Mrs. Michigan America Pageant….Not only had I been preparing for pretty much a year for this weekend, I was so looking forward to it. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful, I felt confident, I felt like I had purpose. I felt amazing as we were leaving our house to drive there on Friday.
Of course I wanted to win. No one enter’s these things with no desire to win. However, once all the girls started arriving, God started to change that desire. I immediately picked the winner as we started our rehearsals on friday. She was experienced, she was fit, she knew what she was doing on stage…she truly was the complete package…and of course she did win and I am so happy for her because she was a contestant who I think really deserved it…..
As we rehearsed on friday, the Lord was speaking to my heart. My desires changed to just wanting to be a light, to encourage everyone, to make friends. And to at least place in top 5, but I honestly had no desire to actually win the crown….
That’s when it began…
Why she picked me out of all the other contestants I will never know…perhaps because I was the youngest one there? But honestly my family has tried to guess and we have no idea other than it was all part of what God would teach me and grow inside me that weekend…
One of the contestants literally from the beginning of our first rehearsal started bullying me….at first it was every now and then…when I would ask a question to the choreographer she would shhsh me loud enough everyone could hear, then it became more constant. EVERY time I asked a question she would tell me to be quiet. At one point on friday she made a comment to another contestant about my lack of maturity because I was so young, and that I needed to stop asking questions or her mean motherly side would come out….
Ok PAUSE—news flash…..I am a mother myself….so treating me like a child makes no sense….the difference….I have been blessed by God with his grace and mercy in my life and I choose to carry myself in a different manner.
Ok PLAY—-
Though I was the only one she consistently bullied, and made comments about, she was quite rude to others as well. Now granted, if any other contestants asked questions, or laughed or joked with each other she didn’t dare make a comment…..literally it was ONLY me…..
I have to stop here and say, though I made many amazing friends that weekend one girl in particular literally took my hand the entire weekend and it brings me to tears as I think how God ordained for her to be there. She kept me sane and calm a lot of the times and to her I will forever be grateful…..she knows who she is……
So Friday night we have a husband and wife dinner at the hotel…it was super fun. We enjoyed everyone at our table. We laughed, we ate good food. It was a good time. Before heading up to our room I wanted to go around the room and hug each girl, and wish her good luck along with reminding her we all have already made it this far and are already winners no matter what! –It’s just me…I am an encourager…Well as I approached “my bully” she kept her hands by her side, shrugged my hug off, and said “yeah”….So I just gracefully rolled my eyes (is that possible?) and continue on to the other contestants…..
That night my husband and I discussed everything and he just encouraged me to keep my calm with her and not let her get in my head….easier said than done when you’ve been bullied for pretty much your entire life…..i thought to myself “Ok maybe she just had first day nerves and tomorrow will be better” as I drifted off to sleep.
As my alarm went off the next morning I jumped out of bed, raced to the nearest amount of light I could find, and dove into my devotions and quiet time…as soon as my husband and son awoke you better believe that worship music was blaring and I was in the zone….
As I applied my finishing touches to my hair and make up and got ready to leave for the entire day to be at rehearsals, interview, lunch, the actual pageant…..I was ready. I was pumped. I literally had this light that was radiating from inside me. I felt so beautiful and confident…not in a prideful way, but like a bride awaiting to see her groom. In fact I didn’t even feel this pretty on my wedding day. I was so excited for this day and all God had in store for me, win or lose…..
Well shockingly to me, as soon as we arrived and started rehearsals, don’t you know she was right back at it again…this time even worse and more forceful…..
People kept saying to me, “just let it roll off you, don’t let her get in your head….” Which don’t get me wrong I appreciated all the encouragement….but there was so much more to it than that…..this was my day…the day I had dreamed of all my life. The day when I mentally looked all my bullies and those voices in my head in the eyes and said “You are wrong. I am beautiful and I can do this.”……yet she was stealing that day from me……and at the same time, I didn’t need to be encouraged…..I needed someone who didn’t care about “getting involved” to step up and tell this woman enough was enough.
This is why I am so passionate about my platform “Speak Up-Not Down.” People who are bullied need heroes….in my interview I was asked what generations before ours had that I thought we needed…my response, “that is so simple. Morals”……and I was serious. Generations before us had heroes not afraid to stand up for people being bullied no matter the age…..where was my hero that weekend? Lord, knows my husband had he have been present all day would have handled it but he wasn’t. I kept praying to God for strength but I could feel myself weakening. My spirit was being oppressed and I knew I was coming close to losing it…..
Finally it happened. In the middle of rehearsing I lost it. I starting bawling my eyes out, and shaking uncontrollably, after I asked the choreographer a question and “she” whispered ever to loudly to the girl next to her “why won’t she stop asking questions” and then proceeded to shhhsh me…..I walked right off the stage.
At that moment, I was that 13-year-old girl again. Coming home from school, shutting herself in her room, crying herself to sleep….
I found the director and shared a little of what was going on…but nothing was ever done….at least not like it should have been, but I am not God….if I was, that lady would have been asked to leave the premises and not been allowed to compete that day! No questions asked….this was not the behavior someone trying to represent our state and the pageant company’s name should act! And no one, at any age should have to endure what I did……
After 5 mins of trying to breathe and calming down, I gathered myself together and walked back out on stage…not even 10 mins later it began again….”you have got to be kidding me” is all I could think. Again I reflect back to that girl the Lord put in my life who SO many times physically took my hand and said “breathe” and walked with me off stage to our next place….she really was as close to my hero as it came that weekend….
So we were practicing a number, and part of our introduction was to share something interesting about the area we represented. Well there were like 4 of us who were from the same area her included. So I politely asked her if she knew yet what she was going to say because I wanted to make sure we didn’t say the same thing. She rudely responded “Just worry about yourself and not me. I’m pretty sure we wont say the same thing. I like to keep my things to myself…” –oddly enough this is the same person who tried to friend request me on Facebook WEEKS before the pageant not even knowing me–I said “oh ok I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t the same but i’m sure you’re right” and turned back around, and so she quickly snapped what it was she was going to say…and i said “oh cool that goes with your platform so it definitely won’t be the same as mine.”
I couldn’t believe she was so rude over a simple question…..I just legitimately wanted to make sure we didn’t get up there for opening number and say the same thing….Again I had to fight back tears and suck it up….
Well we left for lunch shortly after, which was wonderful and so delicious. Then on the way back, she starts talking to the “older” contestants about after the pageant was over going to some bar/club with their sashes and pageant gowns to get drunk and dance the night away all while using curse words…..I was blown away….this is how you plan to represent Mrs. Michigan? Funny enough I even unknowingly caught part of it on video while video taping the limo just as she was informing everyone else that of course anyone else could join too!
This was the point my heart began to honestly break for her. Who in the world was this person….a mother, a wife, and a contestant who acted this way? I just prayed God gave me strength to get through the day….
After lunch we had interviews. I totally felt I rocked mine out. I was comfortable and confident and I called my parents after so happy to just be done with that hard part and ready to enjoy the rest of the night….
Instead as we began our final rehearsals she continued to bully me and shhhsh me. So i did what I was told to by the director and politely looked at her and said “Would you please stop telling me to be quiet every time I ask a question.” She laughed and said “Well would you stop talking and asking questions so we can hear what we are supposed to do?”…….I was flabbergasted…..I decided the rest of rehearsals to try my best to ignore her and just make it through the rest of the night. I couldn’t wait to see my family, to rock out on stage, and just enjoy myself, even though she was already ruining the entire experience for me….
Pageant begins….and not being prideful, I totally felt I rocked my opening number, my onstage question. I felt confident in my swimsuit, and I felt stunning in my evening gown. It was amazing…..then it happened…literally 5 mins before we were about to go on stage to announce the top 5 she started up again….
Like i said earlier…at this point I didn’t want to win. I just wanted to place, and I had other girls who I thought totally deserved to place….I wanted to have fun and enjoy the end of everything….well as I was asking the stage director right before we took our places if we needed to head out, bc the other girls on the other side were, “she” made a smart comment and told me to just be quiet and let people do their jobs. I lost it…I turned around and told her “You know what, we don’t need your comments or your help” and she of course said “well no one here needs your help either.” I was trembling…I literally wanted to tell this woman off for all to hear…part of me wanted to LITERALLY rip her head off….but my friend once again grabbed me by the hand, and walked with me to our next place and told me to breathe and let it go….
Here’s the thing…..telling someone who has been bullied their entire life, and then came this far to do a pageant like this, to let this kind of experience go….isn’t quite so easy. I was fighting back the tears so hard…..
We got on stage and they began to announce top 5….some of who I predicted, some not…and then it happened….they announced HER name….when all top 5 had been announced and I realized not only was I not in it, neither were some of the girls who deserved it, over me but especially over her, I literally bit my lip so hard I started bleeding. I was trying to fight back the tears…my husband and family said they could see it all from their seats. I was defeated….as the remainder of us said our “goodbyes” and left the stage I ran to the corner and sat down sobbing. Everyone kept saying “its ok, this doesn’t define you, its ok, its ok”……but it wasn’t about the crown to me….i was so crushed that my bully was in top 5 and women even more deserving than me were not I was broken….I couldn’t get the words out I was crying so hard. We were supposed to go back out for them to hand out rewards and I begged them to not make me. I was DONE. I wanted to get out of my gown, find my husband, and run into his arms…..
They made me go back out, and I cried the entire time. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. And when all was said in done, I congratulated the winner bc I was super proud of her….took the pictures required…mascara stains and all, and ran to the dressing room….someone came to find me and said my husband was waiting outside, and I mean I literally old fashion movie style, sprinted to him, and fell into his arms sobbing….
The entire experience I was so looking forward to was ruined…..I was defeated, I felt like a failure to everyone, I was so heartbroken. I just wanted to go back to the hotel and get out of that toxic environment immediately.
We left, I cried all night, and couldn’t wait to drive home the next morning….well as my husband went downstairs at the hotel to get breakfast “she” was in there with other contestants just chatting….but as soon as she saw him she loudly started bragging about how the oldest women in the pageant placed in top 5 and beat out all those young girls…when my husband came upstairs and told me it took all I had within me to not go downstairs and finally give her a piece of my mind….but I didn’t. I wanted to remain a woman of grace and beauty and leave the hotel at peace that I had not contradicted my testimony….
I forgive her.
I am getting back to normalcy again.
I am moving on with my life.
But I will NOT be silent….
Why did God have me go through all of that? For my platform. To show people of all ages that bullies are everywhere and every age! It never stops! And what this world needs are people willing to take stand and stand up to those bullies and for the victims when they can’t stand up for themselves.
I also feel God grew me in grace and patience and taught me to lean on him more than ever. And I still grew in my confidence and self-image and was able to let go of so many insecurities…..
It was a growing and learning experience for sure. I did have some good memories. I had fun at times. I made some amazing friends….but I won’t be silent about the hardship I endured. No one should ever go through what I did…..and why it was only me? I’ll never know…
I did my best. I learned a lot…and now I wait for the doors God opens ahead…I will continue to “Speak Up-Not Down” for those bullied every day and won’t stop till the day I die!!! And most importantly I will pray for this woman daily….
“Love keeps no records of wrongs….”
Blessings!